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Fighting the need for approval (and succeeding in that endeavor) can be one of the biggest favors we’ll do ourselves in life. This need can have several negative effects, such as moving away from the paths we really want to walk. It is, however, a need or desire that we have all had at some time in our lives to some degree.
As common as it is, and as motivating as it can sometimes be to please others, that doesn’t mean that the pursuit of approval can’t do us much harm. It is necessary to separate the desire not to offend from the desire to please, just as it is necessary to separate the actions that please others around us and that have nothing to do with our true desires from those actions that combine both.
Steps to Combat the Need for Approval
Ending the need for approval is not an easy task that we will accomplish overnight. However, as the Eastern philosopher Lao-Tzu said, “A path of a thousand kilometers begins with the first step.” Although there are hundreds of actions that can help us in this task, some of them are more effective. See below:
- Identify the consequences of this attitude.
- Take care of your self-esteem.
- Create a place of internalized control
Let’s look at each of these points:
1- Identify the consequences of this attitude
The biggest hurdle you will encounter when fighting the need for approval is precisely recognizing that this need motivates your behavior. Surveys say that most of us are not aware of everything we do to please others.
To begin with, we propose that you do a self-analysis exercise and identify how the need for approval affects your life. To do this, answer the following questions: What would you do differently if everyone wanted you to do what you want to do? If you were the last person alive on Earth, what would you spend your time on? If no one were to judge you, would you change anything in your life?
This type of question can help combat the need for approval by identifying what you’ve already done because you’re being moved by that type of need. In this way, you will be able to make the decision whether or not to continue with certain habits, modify them or eliminate them.
2- Increase your self-esteem
Not knowing how to value oneself, along with the feelings that come with this devaluation of oneself, can make us turn to an incessant search for the approval of others. When we are in doubt about our worth, the need for others to support it with their approval increases. The problem is that it often causes us to act in ways we don’t really like or want.
In this way, our self-esteem keeps falling… because we feel that we are living a life that is not our own. This can create a vicious circle, in which we feel worse and worse because we don’t act as we want, and we seek the approval of others again.
If you, however, work and dedicate yourself to increasing your self-esteem, you will find that fighting the need for approval is a task that becomes easier and easier. It doesn’t matter how you want to do it, but caring about yourself more should be the top priority in your life.
3- Create a place of internal control
One of the fundamental components of having a positive self-concept is having an internal place of control. This strange name refers to the belief that we have great power over what is happening to us. Think: when something you don’t like happens to you, do you blame it on someone else? Or on something external? Or, on the contrary, do you decide to take responsibility and work to change the situation?
If you have a place of external control, that is, if you believe that your life depends on factors you cannot act on, there is a greater chance that you will need the approval of others to feel good. Therefore, increasing the sense of control will make your gaze go more inwards and less towards others. Think that no matter what, there will always be someone who will not approve of your actions. So there’s no reason to worry about what others think of you. There is no control over this.
Once you decide to take control of your life, fighting the need for approval becomes extremely easy. In the end, when we are doing what we want to be doing, outside opinions make no difference.
These three keys to combating the need for approval are mutually reinforcing. So choose which one you want to start working on your personal development. You will soon realize that what others think of you is no longer such an important factor in making your decisions.
