Lack Of Love And Its Pitfalls

“To get the love of others, you must first love yourself”. You’ve probably heard this phrase a hundred times, and it’s one of those truths that would be impossible to question.

The problem with this sentence is to say what should be done, but without giving a clue as to how to do it. It’s not so simple to make the decision: “Perfect. From now on I will love myself. And starting tomorrow, may others love me” . Having a good relationship with yourself can be a matter beyond your control.

What you can clearly notice in your life are the effects of this lack of self-love. Especially in the field of couples, where our most intimate conflicts surface, we tend to feel more vulnerable and disoriented.

romantic fantasies

If your own self-esteem screws aren’t tight, you probably fall in love a lot. Apparently, Cupid would be irritated with you. You shoot your arrow at any stranger you find out there. “Love at first sight” you say, when you feel your heart pound at the sight of this stranger who steals your attention.

The enchantment that this unknown person arouses is probably a promise for you. This feeling can be very strong and yet false. Maybe there really is a genuine attraction, but as long as you don’t cross the line between fantasy and real encounter with the other person, it’s just an illusion.

If this happens often, don’t doubt it: what’s at the bottom is a matter to be resolved  with yourself, not Cupid. Your attitude betrays a lack, and it’s so strong that at one point you lose track and settle for filling this void even with a lie.

This type of fantasy often presents itself in those who already have a frustrated love story. “Unfortunate loves”, the kind that leave bites and scars on the soul and, not infrequently, on the body as well. Loves, or supposed loves, that bring to your life more bitter moments than fullness.

the lack of love

Conflict is the foundation of many couples’ relationships. Harming the other acquires an intensity so strong that it often becomes a substitute for intimacy. Aggression is seen as an opportunity to let more visceral emotions surface. A kind of catharsis at the expense of the other. A certain amount of pleasure is experienced, but accompanied by a ton of pain. 

This type of relationship is the most difficult to end, precisely because it is built on emotional need.  To end these bonds is to fall into the abyss of loneliness that the relationship covers. “ Worse is being without anyone, ” you say to yourself.

This is precisely the point: nothingness. The lack. This place that was empty forever, perhaps due to emotional needs that were not satisfied during childhood. Therefore, you may feel that emptiness, absence, this “nothing” is an unbearable feeling. What you don’t realize is that, behind all the fights and arguments, there is the need, the heartaches, the screaming and complaining scenes.

If you find a partner willing to share this little everyday tragedy with you, surely you guys came together because you had a similar problem. This person is also desperately looking for bonds that will help to avoid his needs or postpone the task of reconciling himself, with his history.

The problem is that, if you let yourself be seduced by this, you will be giving up the possibility of building a real love , the one that makes you feel worthwhile. The kind of relationship that gives security instead of stealing it. This bond is built on mutual acceptance, a willingness to understand and respect.

Better that you decide to do yourself good once and for all. Let him learn to recognize these traps that keep him from moving forward. Remember that life goes by in the blink of an eye. It’s not worth devoting it to fantasies or torments that, deep down, will only make you miss the time invested in them. 

Photo: Courtesy of Ángel Rodríguez-Rey