False Altruism: The Narcissist Ambush

False altruism shapes one of the most harmful and common hypocrisies. They are those people known as “saviors of the motherland”: people who perform favors not to do good, but to nurture their own well-being. We are, without a doubt, facing the classic narcissistic ambush, in which the person is able to manipulate the “aided” until transforming them into an authentic emotional slave.

As peculiar as it may seem, there are many psychologists who advise on the importance of reflecting on this. Pure, disinterested altruism is not always natural. Not all of us are connected by authentic empathy, although we clearly know that cooperative behavior as such has allowed us to survive as a species.

False altruism lives openly among us. There are those who show extreme kindness, interest and attention to us in order to get something in return.

Politicians do this, some family members and heads of large companies also do this to their employees, as they know that kindness and interest improve the effectiveness of their work. Until, of course, the day comes when the employee gets sick or has a family emergency and the boss’ altruism vanishes out of nowhere.

There are, as we have seen, multiple interests hidden behind acts of apparent empathetic solidarity that we must be alert to. What’s more, we may also be using many of these unconscious behaviors that ultimately outline a narcissistic personality that we often don’t even notice.

False altruism and narcissistic society

Let’s imagine a mother or father in a family who devotes exclusive attention to their children. These, in turn, are already grown up, are emancipated and try, with difficulty, to impose a certain distance from this sometimes intrusive figure, who, under the need to provide help, leaves no room for freedom.

This mother or father is aware that their child can handle himself perfectly, yet they need to show continual attention to feel better, to receive validation.

This is something so common that it is not strange to know that someone close to you has experienced this situation in your own skin. However, reality can be much more complex if we look beyond our familiar surroundings. A good part of our society practices this false altruism nourished by narcissism itself.

On the other hand, sociology says that our world is increasingly narcissistic and that the generation of “me and myself” is increasing more and more. It may undoubtedly seem discouraging, but our social networks, YouTube channels or so many personal Instagram accounts, for example, increase this need to draw attention; “look at me!”, “follow me!”, “leave a like!” – people are fed positive reinforcements.

A concrete case, the case of Bill Gates

A concrete case on which we can reflect on whether it was false altruism or sympathetic empathy is the case related to Bill Gates.

There was a time when a lot of news began to come out about the lack of philanthropy of one of the most recognized personalities and billionaires on our planet. Microsoft made a huge amount of money and didn’t devote even a small part to social causes.

After getting married, Gates and his wife created the “Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation”, one of the most important contributors today, in several social, health and education areas.

There is no doubt that perhaps Gates himself reflected on the need to contribute to this type of cause and to contribute something good to society and the world in general. In this case, we are talking about solidary empathy. It could also be that its advisors felt that this ethical commitment was necessary to improve the company’s image.

On the other hand, it may also be that the time has come when Bill Gates himself felt the need to contribute economically, with the sole aim of feeling good about himself. The social recognition he could get through this was something that pleased him. In the latter case, we are talking about false altruism.

The 5 Points of False Altruism

As we could see above, what is most desired for our society is this dimension that all of us should practice daily: solidary empathy.

Amin Maalouf, a well-known French-Lebanese writer and expert on social problems, discrimination and ethnic conflicts, points out that educating people in empathy from childhood would help to build a more solidary humanity. However, current dynamics are pushing us more and more towards disorderly and harmful narcissism.

False altruism is there, reflecting an extra practice of the narcissistic personality and that, therefore, we must know how to recognize. These would be its main features:

• This kind of altruism, with its acts of false or self-serving kindness, is always governed from a position of power. “I am superior to you and my generosity, whether you like it or not, makes you submissive to me.”
• Sometimes, they practice an almost compulsive form of help in order to take care of and give more visibility to their “ideal self”.
• Often, with their altruism, they try to imply that if it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t be able to survive or solve our problems.
• Therefore, we cannot forget that they are great manipulators. They blackmail and manipulate the “aided” until they are placed in real emotional ambushes.

In conclusion, despite the fact that we are all important, unique and exceptional, we must never forget our commitment to others, the sense of cooperation and the great emotional value that can come from an authentic solidary empathy, with no hidden interests.