The 90/10 Rule: Change Starts With You

In psychology there is a rule we call the “90/10 rule”. She says that our reaction to events influences us much more than the events themselves. In fact, only 10% of our lives are determined by what happens to us: making a mistake, a late plane or traffic jams that make us late for work, for example.

On the other hand, 90% is directly related to how we react to these situations that are responsible for only 10%. It has been proven how, faced with the same situation, people react in very different ways. Depending on the first reaction they have to the triggering event that just happened, they may or may not benefit from a more or less pleasant day.

Being aware of this rule is important as it allows us to realize that we control most of our lives: 90%. It also frees us from feeling useless emotions, making us see that there is 10% we have no control over.

If we are able to put our will into the matter, something that could be very negative can turn into a simple fact, or even make us see the positive. Do you want to see how to get this? Keep reading.

An everyday example from 90/10

To make it clearer how we can put this wonderful rule into practice, let us take an example with which we can feel identified. Imagine you spent the day working on a project your boss asked for. You need to deliver it soon, and it’s finally finished. Just when you go to save it, your computer light suddenly goes out.

As you’re nervous, you go to the kitchen and end up throwing the cups on the counter on the floor. Unexpectedly, your favorite cup breaks, the one you use every morning for your coffee. It increases your anger even more, and you blame your child for using them in the afternoon and leaving them lying around.

After a few minutes, you try by all possible means to recover your work but you can’t. You lost everything. You get infuriated, make the worst curses and go out into the street to relax, slamming the door. When you come back, you’re mad at your son, at your wife, you lost your cup and you don’t have the project done: you have what until now we can call a bad day.

What happened? As we can see, there is a trigger that is responsible for this 10%: turning on the heater, causing the circuit breaker to fall. This is a fact that doesn’t depend on us, an uncontrollable thing that someone else did without bad intentions, a simple mistake.

Instead of putting his energy into redoing the project, asking his wife for help, or telling his boss about the unforeseen event and asking him to give him a longer deadline, he decided to unleash a reaction that was not at all useful. The whole family ends up arguing because of an uncontrollable punctual fact. It is worth it?

When can I put the 90/10 rule into practice?

There are numerous situations that can be potential triggers for dysfunctional and useless reactions. It is in these situations that it is necessary to remember this rule and put our will not to get carried away by emotion. In fact, the key is to accept frustrations as part of the game that is to live.

if you are judged

You cannot control others’ judgments and criticisms because they have the right to think what they want. You can control how much weight you place on these judgments, how much importance you place on them. If I can’t control what people think about me, why waste energy on it?

if you make a mistake

You cannot control your mistakes. You can learn from them, but you will still make mistakes because it is your nature. You can only control your reaction to these mistakes, whether or not you accept them, if you reprimand yourself too much, if you are able to tolerate them…

If others don’t act as you would like

The reactions of others are uncontrollable on our part. Demanding that someone be in a different way is unrealistic, and the only thing we’re going to get is enormous frustration and losing the quality of the relationship we have with these people.

If you experience any adversity

Living brings with it countless adversities. Research shows that every human being will experience 20,000 misfortunes over the course of their lifetime: from mild ones like stepping on a dog’s feces, to more serious ones like losing a loved one. It’s something that we need to consider in the general budget of life that is impossible to control. We are only responsible for how these adversities affect us.

So when you’re faced with a fact that you know is uncontrollable, put the 90/10 rule into practice. You know that 90% depends only on you and that if you are able to not be influenced by those 10% of what happens, they will remain like a grain of sand and you will be free of having turned you into a mountain.