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You’ve probably felt many times that your worth as a person depended on meeting certain expectations. With that comes an unpleasant feeling, which rationally might be difficult to assume, but which you can’t help feeling. On the other hand, “the boss” intends to generate this feeling in us because he understands that it is a way of guaranteeing our obedience. One way or another, when conditions for acceptance appear, it is no longer unconditional.
“If you do what I want you to do, then you are a good son.” “If you pursue this career, I will be proud of you. But… try not to give me the displeasure of doing anything other than what I tell you!” “You have to be funny and the clown in the gang of friends for us to enjoy being with you.” Unconditional acceptance implies liking someone for who they are, with their way of being and being in the world, without wanting to mold it to our desire.
Fulfilling external obligations keeps us from accepting ourselves as we are
At first glance they seem harmless messages that don’t have much importance in our everyday life. But if you take a moment to think about what might happen if you blindly carry out each of these messages, you realize that you will eventually become what others want you to be. My parents, my friends, my partner… Everyone, inevitably, in a more or less transparent way, will ask us to be what they need us to be.
Of course, it is our responsibility to assume or not these messages as irrefutable obligations. We can set our boundaries in a healthy and assertive way. “I won’t be who you want me to be, but I want to remain your friend. If you accept me as I am, it will be great, otherwise I will have to leave”. This petition that seems so simple to say is an act of enormous courage, with ourselves and with the person we want to show it to.
Unconditional acceptance is an exercise in love for others
Starting from scratch our relationship with the other, from unconditional acceptance, is an exercise in respect for the intrinsic value of the human being. Being immersed in a relationship whose continuity depends on whether our requests are fulfilled or not can be exhausting and very frustrating. Of course, we are not talking about unconditionally accepting behaviors that harm our own emotional and physical health. Respect is a basic condition for any relationship.
If you are someone who is very sensitive and you have a friend who is more rational, there are probably times when you feel that he doesn’t understand you, or that he doesn’t put himself in your place, and this inevitably leads to more and more frustration, because He is like this. It may change over time or not, but that’s not up to you.
In these cases, the healthiest thing is to accept that the friend is different from us and that many times he will not be able to give us what we need, but that he will be able to give us other things that nourish the friendship. Perhaps, even though he is not so emotional that we feel understood, he is one of the few people we can always count on.
To accept a loved one without conditions is to like their essence without wanting to change it at any cost. It’s having a kind look at what we don’t like so much. Accepting without conditions does not imply that we are forced to love their peculiarities, because we have the right to dislike certain aspects of other people. But we can respect them and understand them as part of a more or less logical whole that represents the other person.
Exercising unconditional acceptance begins by practicing it with ourselves
This exercise, that of accepting the other without conditions, must start with us. To the extent that I am someone very demanding, very perfectionist, I will demand that the other person be as I want. Accepting ourselves the way we are is not conforming, nor is it assuming as stagnant what can flourish. Accepting yourself is respecting yourself, liking yourself and not punishing yourself for not meeting certain standards imposed by yourself or by others.
If I can be comfortable with the essence that defines me, with my lights and shadows, with my infinite nuances, with all my colors… If I can appreciate and respect all this set of inner experiences, feelings, sensations, thoughts and attitudes, with all certainty, I will feel more mentally healthy and my attitudes will always have value.
If I accept myself and like myself as I am – not only do I comply with the conditions I impose myself – I will be able to look at the other through this loving prism and accept him as the complete being he represents. If the eye from this confidence to accept it for what it is, it will feel more understood and less inhibited to be itself. The trees – what I don’t like about him – won’t stop me from seeing the entire forest.
I will be able to see it with all the potential that my intact vision brings me!
