Why Is It So Hard To Forget A Love?

Forgetting a love is like trying to break a graphene surface: something impossible. Because there are stainless memories, stories and experiences that were written through passion and that magic that leaves indelible marks on memory.

In this way, regardless of whether we want to or not, it is impossible to erase the loves of the past because they also helped us to be who we are now.

In one of his books, Lebanese writer Khalil Gibran said that the heart must be broken at some point in life in order to truly open up. Perhaps it is true that you learn to love and that broken hearts contain the most wisdom among the lines of your scars.

In any case, far beyond the disappointments experienced and the happiness enjoyed, there is an evident fact: the brain never forgets what it once loved.

No matter recipes, advice or sophisticated strategies to erase from our memory that person we once loved above all things. They are useless.

Because what was experienced is not forgotten, we simply end up recognizing this absence, accepting what happened (and could not be), allowing us, in turn, to expand the baggage of our learning and experiences .

Forgetting love is impossible for our brain

Leaving a relationship behind and putting an end to it as soon as possible is sometimes necessary. And perhaps it is for the good of both, to keep their dignities in good condition and to avoid doing us more harm than necessary.

As the saying goes, a breakup at the right time is the only strategy for getting out in one piece. However, far beyond the fact that this end was mutually agreed upon or the decision of just one person, the suffering that remains is usually immense.

There are studies that show that, on average, it takes between 6 and 18 months to overcome an emotional end. Forgetting a love is impossible because nobody can edit the will of their own memories.

However, we can modulate the emotional impact and turn grief into a basic and necessary process through which we can gradually deal with the feelings to accept the new situation.

However, as we well know, love is an intense emotion, sometimes chaotic and even disorderly. No relationship is the same. That is why there are those who find it more difficult to go through mourning, while others, on the other hand, turn the page with adequate solidity.

Anyway, forgetting a love is, until now, an unlikely fact due to the peculiarities of our brain. Let’s see some more information on this subject.

Emotional memory and somatic markers

People are basically emotional creatures who once learned to reason. Emotions are, above all, the essential cornerstone for connecting with each other.

Thanks to them, we establish bonds, take care of each other, identify risks and promote our well-being.

• All of this explains why love is so important to the brain. It is this fabric that makes us feel safe and valued in the social group consisting of a couple. Loving and being loved provides tranquility, reducing stress and fear. Thus, facts such as a betrayal, a disappointment, an unexpected or agreed termination always generate pain. 

• On the other hand, there is our emotional memory. When we maintain an affective bond with someone, several somatic markers are built. These are experiences that the brain associates with intense emotional sensations: kisses, caresses, hugs, smells, conversations, complicity, etc. All this constitutes the mark of well-being, happiness, hope, pleasure, etc.
• These emotional and somatic markers at the same time are created through very resistant neurocircuits. They will always be there, present. That is why, sometimes, it is enough to smell or visit a certain place for, at the exact moment, not only memories emerge, but also sensations experienced in a very specific past.

There are loves that also represent a part of ourselves and our history

If forgetting a love is impossible, this is also due to another fact. If we could erase this relationship from our memory, we would also be erasing ourselves. People are not just made of flesh and blood, but stories as well.

Therefore, among these memories linked to a love from the past, there is also the someone we were at that time. It’s a younger, more hopeful version of himself who has let himself be carried away with all his passion for someone.

The brain will never choose to put this version of our past self into oblivion. Doing so would mean taking a step back in our personal development, because everything experienced, felt, and even suffered allowed us to shape the person we are now.

It would therefore be a shame to do without any comma or fragment of our own life story. Good or bad, that’s what we are.

Best of all, we have the constant opportunity to keep writing better stories, because love is always worth it.