Why Is It So Important To Learn To Set Limits?

Learning to impose limits does not mean defending our opinions and beliefs at all costs, as if they were impositions. It also doesn’t mean being honest all the time, regardless of what others think and feel.

Specifically, setting limits means telling people what we need and want, factors that may be different from what others need and want. It consists in expressing what we want – and what we don’t want – without forgetting the needs and desires of others, taking into account what people think and feel.

Setting boundaries is setting lines with others (and with us) that shouldn’t be crossed.

Edward T. Hall and Robert Sommer, pioneers in the study of personal space, assert that these established boundaries are more than physical territory. It is a place where we feel mentally, physically and emotionally protected, a refuge where no one can attack us with their comments or behavior.

However, in their studies, they revealed that it is common for these borders to be crossed in our daily lives, these barriers that we do not always protect with the necessary attention and resources so that they are not broken down. Let’s see what limits us and why it’s so important to set limits.

What holds me back when setting limits?

What limits me by setting limits and saying “no” at times? Probably the fear of rejection plays a decisive role.

For example, when a colleague asks me for help but I don’t want to or don’t consider it convenient to help, the fear that the relationship might deteriorate is a factor that will possibly lead me to help, even if it’s not what I want.

Sometimes we prioritize the needs of others over our own and feel guilty when we say “no” to someone else’s request. Guilt brings thoughts like: “If I don’t do this, I’ll be a bad friend”, “I’m a selfish person”, “I think I’m a bad person for not having helped”.

These thoughts are often exaggerated. Of course, I’m not a bad person for not putting my plans aside to do what I’m asked or for prioritizing my interests. It’s not about being selfish and putting yourself above others, but we can’t put ourselves below either. It’s a question of balance.

At the same time, we put no limits when we tend to take responsibility for everything, by getting too involved in the problems of others.

It is difficult to say “no” because we tend to take responsibility for tasks that are not our responsibility. For example, helping others by doing their own work when they could do it themselves, solving a friend’s problem when it’s not up to us to do it…

Why is it so important to learn to set limits?

To know yourself

One of the benefits when it comes to setting limits has to do with self-knowledge. To set limits, you need to have a good knowledge of yourself and your own needs. It consists of always being aware of what you want and what you need. Ask yourself: What do you want? What you need? What makes you feel comfortable?

In turn, imposing limits will allow you to respect yourself more, and as that happens, others will also respect you based on the limits you have set.

Benefits for self-esteem

Setting limits will likely lead to a considerable increase in your self-esteem. Simply by talking about yourself and giving you the place you need. As you feel better about yourself – and increase your self-esteem – you will lose the fear of showing yourself as you are. Ultimately, you’ll release the ongoing tension of having to be on the alert in case something or someone threatens to harm your vulnerability.

You will feel free to express your needs regardless of how others receive them, without feeling guilty about not doing what others expect you to do.

Learning to set limits is also saying “NO” when we feel like it without feeling obligated to do what others want and need.

Healthy and balanced relationships

This is a way to relate to others in a healthy and balanced way, without imbalance and inequality as to what each one contributes to the relationship.

You will be able to show others how you want them to communicate with you, and this will bring a lot of personal satisfaction. Thus, frustration and stress in the absence of limits will no longer be present in their relationships.

When you are able to respect your limits and those of others, your relationships will become healthy and stable relationships over time. Respect can be felt in your relationships, and no one will feel invaded by the other.  

In short, learning to impose limits on others allows us to strengthen and create aspects related to personal well-being. This enables us to identify and adequately define our own needs, making us the protagonists of our choices and thus generating a sense of responsibility on the stage of our lives.